Becoming a mother has definitely been a difficult transition for me. Being a mom is much harder and more time consuming than I ever imagined, despite the fact that as the oldest of seven, I have been babysitting for most of my life and have watched my mom raise lots of babies. Before I had London, I was in school full-time and working full-time. That was hard. But being a mom is much harder.
I was talking to another mom who recently had her second child. With a second baby, she no longer had time to work from home, and so I am taking over her job responsibilities. As she was training me, we were talking about how children are much more time consuming than we had thought. Talking about stay at home moms she said, "I used to judge them." I admitted that I did too. I used to think that all these stay-at-home moms were just chillin'. Then I had a baby and realized that boy, was I wrong. Who knew how physically and emotionally demanding children are?! I sure didn't.
Before I had London I read books and blogs and forums that talked about getting your baby on a schedule so that your family can have order and predictability, so your baby can sleep through the night early on, and so that you could have time for yourself and your spouse. I wanted all of that! So when London was born, I got started right away on sleep training and all that jazz. But what the books and blogs and forums didn't mention is that sometimes babies get sick and throw off your whole routine. Or sometimes, they get surgery and the routine goes out the window. Or sometimes they are teething early and refuse to eat a full meal and want to eat again 2 hours later. Or sometimes they have mouth problems that make it hard for them to eat and make them super gassy which prevents them from getting good sleep. Etc etc etc.
And then there is breastfeeding. London's mouth issues made it so that he just couldn't breast feed, and so I am pumping full time and feeding him exclusively breast milk via a bottle. But, as I learned about the benefits of breast feeding, beyond just getting the milk, I felt that it wasn't enough to just give him breast milk in a bottle. So, I kept trying to breast feed. I saw a lactation consultant, and a different pediatrician, and London got his tongue surgery, but he still can't nurse.
Now, instead of just realizing that every baby is different and just focusing on enjoying my baby, I just felt like a failure. Every time I admit to another mother that he still isn't sleeping through the night by four months, or that he can't breastfeed, I feel like they are judging me. I feel like they are thinking, "You must not have done it right or tried hard enough." For someone as insecure as I am, these unspoken perceived judgments, whether real or imaginary, add to my guilt and make me feel even more like a crummy mother.
And then there's all the other things...getting your baby to sleep in their own room at night, the immunization debate, eating healthy so your breast milk is top quality, exercising and getting back your pre-baby bod asap, keeping up with your church callings, keeping your house clean, making sure your baby gets plenty of tummy time even if he hates it, read to your baby every day, etc etc etc. There's so many things I should be doing and everybody has such strong, vocal opinions about the best way to parent.
But then, on the other hand, sometimes the books, blogs, forums or other parents don't have the answers for the challenges you face with your individual child, because let's face it, every baby is different. Sometimes, its a guessing game trying to figure out what will work best for your individual baby.
And sometimes, I just feel so inadequate and unworthy of parenthood. Why couldn't God have sent London to a perfect parent who already knows exactly what they are doing and already knows the best way to raise him? Why does London have to suffer from my imperfections and mistakes as a parent?
Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it has been hard for me to be a mother. But. I am learning a lot. I am learning how to be more confident in my own parenting style. I am learning about God's love and the atonement. I am learning about London, his likes, his dislikes, his personality. I am learning about the love a parent feels for their child. And I am learning how to just go with the flow and trying not to judge myself too harshly.
And, I am starting to have some fun and actually enjoy this experience. Seriously, a smile or a chuckle or a hug from London makes all the hard stuff worth it. Even with all my imperfections, he just loves and accepts me as his mother. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be his mom. We help and teach each other. I love this boy and I am so blessed to have him in my life, even though it is hard.
